Apr 2, 2020
Jillian offers us a glimpse into a story that I am intimately
familiar with. It’s the story of having huge blank spots in your
memory along with an aversion to sex. There’s nothing specific to
grab on to so you can say, “This is what happened,” but it’s
obvious that something happened.
I usually sit back and let the guests tell their story, but in
this instance, Jillian is actively searching for answers and for
healing. So in this episode, you’ll hear us doing a bit of
exploration and coaching. I offer her a couple of exercises. If her
story mirrors your own, you may want to try these exercises as
well. Or send me an email and I’ll be happy to offer you some other
resources.
Jillian says in this interview that she wanted to share her
story so that anyone else out there going through something similar
will know that they’re not alone. And I echo that. If you listen to
this podcast because you have difficulty with sex and are
looking for a way forward, you are not alone. You are welcome here.
And I will be happy to talk with you whenever you are ready.
Jillian is a 49-year-old, cis-gender female who describes
herself as white, heterosexual, monogamous and married.
Here are some of the notable moments she shared with
us:
- 6:25 - Jillian is unable to remember her first experience of
sexual pleasure and still doesn’t feel pleasure.
- 7:50 – When a boy in kindergarten touched her
- 9:10 – Jillian has memory gaps, though she has narrowed it down
to ages 5-8 where “something” happened that caused her fear of and
aversion to sexual touch
- 11:20 - She starts therapy at the request of her husband after
an intense outburst of seemingly displaced trauma response.
- 12:20 - She tries hypnosis to access memory. She also asks her
mother for information about her childhood and is shut down.
- 16:45 - She meets her future husband to whom she is attracted
and despite/because of fear/aversion moves very quickly into
sex.
- 17:40 - Leah talks about impact of being sexualized at a young
age, affecting one’s ability to determine readiness and how it
should fit into a relationship.
- 20:00 - She talks about the emotional energy it takes to not
only fake enjoying sex, but to fake feeling happy or content.
- 21:20 - Her husband intuits she’s acting like everything is ok
when it’s not.
- 22:40 - Where her mind goes during sex—fantasy, and sometimes
about not being treated well. Or just being anxious to get the sex
act over with while thinking she owes him pleasure, doing it for
his sake. (**Follow up of how BDSM and ravishment play can be
therapeutic.)
- 30:12 - Pregnancy and childbirth bring up new fears and
aversions, particularly around breastfeeding.
- 31:45 - She finds faith and prayer to be a better and more
effective tack at present than therapy for resolving trauma and
pain.
- 33:15 - She still does not enjoy sex but can participate
without revulsion about once a month.
- 36:40 - Leah leads a conversation/coaching about how to focus
on intimate touch that is enjoyable but without genital touch and
penetration.
- 40:10 - She’s just now trying masturbation and self-exploration
to see if she can experience pleasure, using an external
vibrator.
- 42:25 - Leah coaches how to bring the vibrator into the
partnered sexual experience.
Resources mentioned:
The Patreon extras for this episode are:
- At the $5/month level, Jillian’s abortion and subsequent
breakup with her first boyfriend
- At the $7/month level, that conversation plus the extended
Q&A
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Host – Leah Carey (website, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, email)
Audio Editor – Gretchen Kilby
Music – Nazar Rybak